Do No Harm. G.

Title: Do No Harm
Author: Eustacia Vye
Author's e-mail: eustacia_vye28@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: Joss is boss. I just enjoy playing with his toys.
Rating: G
Warnings: Post-BDM.
Summary: One of the tenets in the Hippocratic oath is Do no harm. Sometimes it's easy to forget what harm is.
Author's Note: I last wrote something Firefly related in December 2008. Gosh, I need to change this! Unbeta'd and written in 20 minutes.

Do No Harm






"There is life," River says, in her usual cryptic way. The others don't seem to pick up on it, but Simon does. He always picks up on everything she says. She had gotten so much better after Miranda, but in many ways she's still so far away from the River he had known before she went to the Academy.

Kaylee had told him to ease up on his restrictions with her. "Let her have a real life," she had said time and time again. "As much as she can, she should be able to live for herself. She's still a girl, Simon. Whatever else they did to her, whatever else she can do, she is still a girl."

He had tried to remember that, really he did. But if being a girl meant that he should tolerate cow eyes at Jayne or let her run around outside without any shoes on, of course he was going to say something. River was better, her words were more coherent and she made sense more often than not, but she was still out of sorts. She wasn't always in her right mind, and she could just as easily cut her feet open on backwater worlds as rip apart safety deposit boxes. Simon continually reminded her to wear her boots and to eat her meals and take her medicines. She was still psychotic, even if she wasn't really a raving lunatic. True, he was a surgeon and not a psychiatrist, and it was years since he had taken those required courses. That was all true. But he was still a doctor, and he could follow journal articles as well as any other doctor. River needed help staying in control of her thoughts, and Simon did whatever he could to help her.

It was with growing horror that Simon realized what River might mean with her cryptic comments. She leaned in and rested her head on Jayne's shoulder a lot, touching her stomach. Rubbing her stomach. Caressing her stomach, in just the same way that Kaylee had when she was a week late.

Ta ma de, Simon thought suddenly. River was pregnant.

He couldn't say anything, really. She hadn't come to him for information or advice or even any kind of formal announcement. She hadn't said anything to the crew. She simply smiled and declared the presence of life while touching her stomach and faintly gazing at Jayne as if she expected him to know.

Dear Buddha, he probably didn't know. And it was bad enough that Simon had to tolerate the thought of the two of them together, that he had to see them kissing in the cargo bay in between jobs. It was bad enough to think of his baby sister that way with Jayne, who still treated Simon with derision for his lack of weaponry skills. Jayne was only interested in his sister for her body, that much was obvious. The two of them didn't have anything in common, didn't have any interests in common. Jayne couldn't possibly love River, couldn't possibly even want a family or any baby that River might have.

And she was on medication. A complicated cocktail of medication with side effect profiles that included high risk of teratogenicity. There was no question of River remaining on her medication. She couldn't function without them. She would completely lose all shreds of sanity without them. The baby would be deformed, would have developmental disabilities and needs that River would barely be able to keep up with. Jayne wouldn't want to be involved with that. Jayne didn't have roots, didn't have a home, didn't have cares he was attached to. Having a special needs child would involve a lot of caretaking and risk, and Jayne wasn't known for either.

Simon sat down heavily in the med bay, these thoughts swirling around in his head. There was no way he could simply ask River if she was pregnant or if Jayne knew. Jayne seemed utterly oblivious. River was likely trying to drop hints. Or maybe thought that she was telling everyone the news. Maybe in Riverspeak it was telling everyone the news, but in actual English, there hadn't been any kind of announcement.

"She can't do this," Simon whispered, looking over the sterile white space he practiced in. He couldn't let River's heart be broken by a baby that Jayne would never help with, a baby that would be too difficult for her to care for.

He couldn't very well forbid River to have a child. That was unnecessarily cruel. He couldn't do that to her. He wanted to protect her from this, from the cruel realities. He couldn't let this break her heart. He had to protect her from herself.

Simon scanned his purchase order for their next stop. He quickly added hormone preparations to the list. It would be simple. If he added the proper mixture of hormones over the next few days, she would naturally shed the uterine lining and anything adherent to it. She would think it was a heavy period if she was truly pregnant. If she wasn't, nothing would happen. Either way, she would never have to see Jayne reject her or a child.

Determined, he did just that. He didn't mention it to Kaylee when she remarked that he looked tired and worried and overworked. He certainly didn't mention it to River or Jayne.

Almost a week after she must have miscarried, Simon saw her in the rec room curled in the corner. Jayne was holding her, and she was crying. He was rocking her gently, stroking her hair and murmuring something he couldn't quite hear. It almost sounded like Jayne was saying "We'll try again."

Simon's heart plummeted down to his toes at the words. No, this isn't possible, he thought wildly, frozen in place. But he's not capable!

River looked up then, tear tracks down her face. The expression was one of pure fury, and Simon took a step back out of reflex. She looked dangerous. Murderous.

She knew.

He could feel her rage flow through him like a palpable thing. He could hear her words deep inside of his skull as if she were speaking to him, even if her lips never moved. I will never forgive you, never.

Simon had forgotten what it meant to be impartial. He had forgotten what he had learned first in medical school, the moment he put on his first white coat.

Do no harm.



The End.